Factory Reset

I’m having trouble with my factory reset button. Anyone else having trouble? Mine got stuck in February of 2020, and it has flashed a couple of times, but it won’t stay fixed. I know that I need to read the manual but there seem to be endless little distractions that keep pulling me away from fixing it. 

I feel like I’m walking around in a drug-induced fog, knowing that there’s something important that I’m supposed to be doing, but not being able to remember what it is. So I try to do other things hoping it will jog my memory enough that I can remember what it is I’m supposed to be doing. So far it isn’t working.

I miss reading the Bible and writing about the Bible. I miss writing devotionals every week. I miss writing novels and editing my stories so that I can publish them. I feel like time is slipping through my fingers like water and I can’t grab any. 

I can’t focus on anything with my eyes or my mind. As soon as a thought enters my mind, it is snatched away. The mindlessness is driving me crazy. I have no focus, no direction, no path. I can’t think, I can’t spell, I can’t comprehend. It’s exhausting and overwhelming, like walking in Jello pudding. I found the perfect example the other day on Youtube. It was so poignant It made me cry.

The NeverEnding Story swamp of sadness Complete scene HD

I just don’t know which role I’m playing. Am I Atreyu trying to save Artax? or am I Artax, hoping someone has the strength to pull me out of the swamp of sadness?  I don’t feel like I’ve given in to the sadness, but neither do I feel like I can get through this bog on my own. 

Ideas anyone? Anyone? Know the effects? Anyone? Sorry, I was channeling Ben Stein…

Or maybe another scenario. I am outside my body watching myself, like a movie. I see me doing things and NOT doing things, and I’m yelling at myself through the “TV” to do something. To put that down. to pick that up. To listen. To say something. But my “TV self” can’t hear me.

And I’m just. So. Tired.

I am tired mentally, physically, Emotionally, Spiritually, Financially, and any other -ally you can think of. I’ve been in escape mode for so long I feel like I’ve Ctrl + Alt + Deleted my hard drive and I don’t have the system recovery Software to reboot it.

The scary part is, I don’t know if I CAN recover it. Things are never going to be the same as they were before 2020. Somehow, I have to figure out what my new normal is going to be, and I feel like I have to figure out what limb I lost or which family member died, so I know how to grieve and go on. I read a fabulous book by Abbie Emmons [100 Days of Sunlight] (*see link) where the heroine has temporarily lost her sight. to her, it feels permanent. A wonderful companion comes along to show her that even if she’s blind for the rest of her life, it’s not the end of the world. She hates him for his positive attitude when she thinks he can’t possibly understand. When she finally regains her sight and finds out he is a double amputee, she is humbled by his perspective. Maybe my condition is temporary, like Tessa’s, and I will be able to return to the life I was trying to have before “the accident”. What I am not quite prepared for is, what if my condition ISN’T temporary? What if I am more like Weston? What am I losing? Is it something I can live without? Do I get to choose what it is? And, do I have the courage to choose the mountain over the desert? I feel a lot like this song:

Unspoken – Human Condition (Official Music Video)

When I started writing this, it was just for me. I had no intention of sharing it with anyone. However, in an effort to prove I am not alone in how I feel, and to reach out to someone else who might be feeling the same way, I have decided to post it. I hope it helps you as much as it helped me.

So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless. 1 Corinthians 15:58

 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. Romans 8:26

So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessings if we don’t give up. Galatians 6:9